[Jana]

This is great, Brandi, and so cool that you have already been practicing radical acceptance without knowing it.

In writing, I have seen STBX to refer to soon-to-be-ex. In court documents, he is “the father.”

I refer to “my son’s dad” as just that – we were never married, so to me he’s not an “ex.” I can’t even use his name with people who know his name. I just say, “Slater’s dad.”

[Jana]

My parents were divorced when I was five years old. My mom, whom we lived with for the first seven years, is void of emotional warmth. In the last few years, I have considered whether she is on the autism spectrum. It has helped me feel more empathy toward her, but mostly I have been angry at her my whole life. I have never gotten to the root of that anger.
My dad is the life of the party. He has to talk to anyone sitting next to him at a public event, and always finds a way to relate to them. It can be a little annoying, but mostly we just love him. I adored him as a child. He was the breath I breathed. But my mom kept us from him for a long time (maybe 6 months?). They divorced because of his infidelity. I never held it against him. I was just angry at my mom.
He married a woman whom we idolized at first. But when my sister and I eventually lived with them, she became terribly jealous of us and emotionally abusive. They partied a lot and she was a mean drunk. She scared me so much! I was the studious child who always kept it together and tried to make sure nothing would set her off.
We had to move out of their home after two years. She just couldn’t don’t have us around any more.
It felt the mother figures in my life were keeping me from my beloved father. I simply couldn’t have him because of them.
My dad always told me that it was okay, that I was stronger than everyone anyway.
I believed him. I thought all of this made me stronger. I know now it just made me a people pleaser. And it made me long for a man who wouldn’t be taken from me or go away.
I have always been attracted to men who were a big challenge and seem likely to leave me. I guess I thought if I could win them, I would finally prove I had value to someone.
Then the narcissist strolled in…

[Jana]

Patty and Lanna,
I completely relate to both of you.

The drama is so extreme and I feel that I can’t compartmentalize and just enjoy the rest of my life with my kids.

I am really trying this week to put it on a shelf. But then, just yesterday I was served with a “ Motion to Modify Parenting Time, Decision-Making Responsibility and Allocation of Expenses.” It is filled with lies and enormous exaggeration, and he is asking for 80% parenting time and full decision making. Total power grab.

And we don’t have a child support agreement because he stays home with our son (he’s wealthy & retired) and doesn’t show any earned income. I’m broke and live paycheck to paycheck. And he is now asking that I pay half of all expenses…including private school.

So more drama. Thankfully I have been diligent about documentation.

I’m not without hope. Just very tired.

[Jana]

I am struggling with guilt. I have three older kids who are not the narcissist’s kids. I ended my marriage to their dad, who is a good man. There were a lot of issues in our marriage, but I now know that I should have continued to hang in there. I have rationalized my actions so much. My kids didn’t deserve this. Then I met the narcissist, and had a child with him – very intentionally, through in-vitro with his sperm and a donor egg. This had such a great impact in my life, that my older children have lost much of what I should have given them in their formative years.

All three are really good kids and cool people, and show me a lot of love. But I feel an enormous burden of guilt for all I have put on them. The weight of it is feeling like too much to bear right now.

Most women in narcissistic relationships are victims. I feel that my children have been victims of my choices with the narcissist. I thought those choices were good for them at the time, of course. But that doesn’t lessen the degree of guilt I feel.

[Jana]

I heard something wonderful just last night. And that was, “my biography is not my identity.” In other words – what I have accomplished or failed at, where I have gone, what I have been through – those things don’t define me. They refine me, but they don’t define me.
And if I went on a date, those would be the very things I would talk about. So, while the things that refine me are important, they are not who I AM. I think who I am is displayed in how I respond to others in their accomplishments, failures, joy and sorrow.
But I don’t have any idea how to authentically love myself. I suppose it is by reacting to my own joy and sorrow as I would to others. I’ll give it a shot.

[Jana]

1. Name and what state you live in?
Jana, Colorado

2. Ages of your children?
19, 17, 15

And 3! He’s the child of the narcissist

3. Do you have an active court case? If so, what year did it begin? Yes, 1 1/2 years ago.

4. Tell us something unique about yourself? I speak French.

5. How would you describe yourself in five words? Determined, Overwhelmed, Silly, Worried, Joyful

[Author]

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